Hands down, Fall is the best season in the entire world. It is the perfect season. Fall can do no wrong. Give me one reason you hate Fall–if you can–and I will give you ten reasons why you have no soul.
I am someone who hates extremes. Which makes winter and summer the worst (and undeserving to be proper nouns). Now, yes, winter has Christmas, and hot chocolate, and that creepy brother-and-sister Folger’s commercial, but it is just. So. Fucking. Cold. Case and point: Taking a shower. Taking a scalding-hot shower in the winter is probably the closest thing man will ever get to seeing baby unicorns frolicking in cotton-candy fields. But then the unthinkable happens: you have to get out. And getting out of a hot shower in the dead of winter is equivalent to being forced to watch the Red Wedding scene from Game of Thrones once every hour on the hour. I know all you Winter Wonderland enthusiasts are all like, “Why don’t you just turn the heat on, Allex?” Because I grew up with Juan Hernandez as a father, that’s why. And my father strongly believes that if you buy a man a fish, he eats for a day. But if you teach a man to use a blanket , he will always be warm and not need to turn on the heat–unless it is below zero. Then you can bet your frozen ass the heat is going on. Now that I think about it, that saying really doesn’t make any sense…
But anyway, this philosophy of his extended into summer and the use of air conditioning. We don’t need no stinking air conditioning unless it’s above 95 degrees out. Countless nights I would creep out of my boiling bedroom with sticky air and sleep downstairs in our den because it was below-ground. Meaning natural air conditioning. And also, waking up in a halo of your own sweat is just disgusting. When you are so hot that watching your favorite TV show is making you dehydrated, you need to shut it down. SHUT IT DOWN, SUMMER! SHUT IT DOWN! Really, the only good thing about summer is… well, nothing. Since I am done with college, or any schooling for that matter, summer has officially lost its luster. There is no summer vacation. Sure you can go on vacation, but come on. What really happens is that you are stuck at home scanning your Facebook news feed and seeing nothing but pictures of your friends’ hot dog legs at the beach/park/Parthenon/moon/whatever makes your summer feel unsatisfying. Plus, dear god, summer is when the worst pop songs come out.
But with Fall, everything is perfect. The air is brisk and there is a slight chill. It’s not cold enough to need a full-on winter coat, but just so that you can wrap yourself in a sweater and be fine. Spring is aaaaaalmost at Fall-Level-Awesome, but it has that faltering chance of still being a bit too hot. Skirts are fun in spring, but they are amazing in Fall. Because with skirts in Fall, you also get tights. And wool socks. And boots. And scarves. Now, I know that the few male readers I have will feel left out–unless you too enjoy a well accessorized skirt–but guys, you all got a lot going for you too. What do you have? The most magical combination of clothing for any man: cords and flannel. Oh sweet Demeter and Persephone, thank you for men in cords and flannel. Fall is basically the time for L.L. Bean catalogs to come to life. And I am totally okay with that.
*Hello there, handsome.*
Fall is also when The Best Holidays Ever happen. Halloween and Thanks-motherfucking-giving. Halloween is probably my favorite holiday in the entire world. It’s better than Christmas. Better than my birthday. Definitely better than yours. When I was in eighth grade and living in Connecticut–don’t get me started on Fall-time Connecticut and the foliage–our class went to Salem, Massachusetts on October 31. That’s right, I was in MOTHERFUCKING Salem for MOTHERFUCKING Halloween. If Billy Madison was right about peeing your pants making you cool, then I was the coolest chick in all of Massachusetts that day; that’s how excited I was. Never in my entire life had I enjoyed a field trip more than that day. I saw, and talked to, real witches. Black cats were everywhere. History was everywhere. We went to old churches where The Crucible was based and graveyards where the young girls accused of witchcraft were buried. It was just–even writing about it now is making me so excited and wanting to go back.
Plus, movies like Hocus Pocus, Casper, The Addams Family, and The Nightmare Before Christmas are played on loop, giving you the excuse to still drool over Thackery Binx and Max Dennison. And just the whole scary-story vibe that trickles all throughout October is nothing more than amazing.
*Admit it. You loved them.*
I have many fond memories of my family going to Jones Family Farm in the Fall with our wagon to fill with pumpkins. There were farm animals, hayrides, corn mazes, fall flowers, and fresh apples. But most importantly, there was the pumpkin carry. The basic idea of the pumpkin carry was quite simple: make Dad carry a shit-ton of pumpkins and walk twelve feet. Whatever he was carrying when crossing the “finish line” was half price. So we would load his pockets with tiny squash, tie his windbreaker to his waist–so if any got loose, they wouldn’t fall–and cheer him on. It was such a silly concept, but it was the best part of the pumpkin patch. I haven’t even begun to talk about the trick-or-treating and free candy and caramel apples, but seriously. If I did, this blog post would never end.
Although Thanksgiving is really only an American holiday that celebrates the impending death of the Native Americans with our powerful malaria blankets–see? sometimes just turning on the heat SAVES LIVES!–its heart is in the right place. Before the killer blankets, but after that dick Christopher Columbus, the Pilgrims needed help to survive and the natives taught them how to harvest crops. The pilgrims were cool guys. Not only were they super needy, always bugging the natives for help, but they then THANKED them afterwards. Now this might be just an after-school special on the loveliness of getting together and giving thanks, but it’s important to do. And that’s what Thanksgiving is about. Giving thanks for what you have–even though in a few weeks time you will be giving a list asking for the things you don’t have to a guy who checks to see if you’re naughty or nice. And sweet baby turkeys, let’s not forget the food. The food is just the icing on the cake of why Thanksgiving is another reason Fall is the best. I could write about the insanity of an Italian Thanksgiving, but I aint got time for that.
The moral of the story is this: Fall is the best season and you need to accept it.