FALL AWESOMENESS PART DEUX

You should know this by now.  I love Fall.  I am majorly, totally butt crazy in love with Fall.  And I know that I went into some detail about what it is that just makes this season the best in the entirety of humanity.  And to keep the love going, I have decided to compile an even better list of why Fall is just so goddamn amazing.

Television —  With the changing of leaves comes the return of great television shows.  What television shows, you ask?  Well let me tell you:
The Mindy Project: DANNY CASTELLANO DANCING HIS FEELINGS. NEED I SAY MORE?!

But I will anyway.  The Mindy Project is of course the refreshingly beautiful and hilarious take of the career-driven woman living in the city, and still looking for love.  Mindy Kaling is brilliant.  She is the perfect combination of a woman who knows her shit as well as every celebrity’s.  She makes being pop-culturally sound, intelligent, witty, and feminine work.  You can be smart with a career path and still care about The Royal Baby 2: Little George is Not Impressed.  And let’s be honest, the writing is fresh, the characters are hilarious, and Danny Castellano is the best thing to happen to mankind shut up yes he is you cannot tell me differently.

Sleepy Hollow: Ichabod Crane.  In the present.  Hold the white-washed cast. THIS IS TELEVISION AT ITS FINEST.


Once Upon a Time:  Let’s be honest here.  Captain mother-effin’-Hook.  I feel like I am completely discrediting myself as a writer and observer when half of the things I have said is about how amazingly hot characters are.  But that sexy little tart isn’t the only good thing to come out of Once Upon a Time.  There is such a strong female cast in OUAT that it gives so many girls — or women — so many different idols.  Snow’s strength, Regina’s passion, Emma’s courage, Belle’s quick wit… I can go on.

Bob’s Burgers:  I can not ever give this show the justice it deserves.  I freakin’ love Bob’s Burgers.  With so many cartoon shows relying on crude humor, bad language, and offensive jokes, it is so refreshing to watch an animated show that relies on impeccable writing, terrible burger puns, and Gene’s megaphone of farts.  And Bob’s Burgers is the home of the best character on television chosen by we the people, Tina Belcher.  Tina Belcher, giving teenage awkward girls a voice and ringing true to the feminist name.

American Horror Story:  Season one of AHS  will always reign supreme and flawless while last season was a disaster.  There were so many opportunities for American Horror Story: Coven to be everything.  Women who can use witchcraft and better their lives.  Yes! feminists cheered.  But what happened?  It turned into an unnecessary race war, with woman vs woman catfights, and a competition over who the better woman was with scenes of Gabourey Sidibe having sex with a minotaur sprinkled in.  It was a shit show disaster area.  So season 4, Circus can either be really goddamn amazing, or just another wasted opportunity.

Wearing My Glasses —  I have come to notice that when summer hits, eyeglasses wearers hit a bit of a snag.  When going to the beach, you can’t wear your contacts and go into the ocean without fear of your contacts falling out by a wave, beachball to the head, what have you.  But at the same time, you can’t wear them in the water because you will lose them.  And then the ocean will swallow them up in the deep unknown.  There are probably some hipster angler fish rocking thick-rimmed specks thanks to Poseidon’s torturous ways.

It’s a double edge sword that glasses wearers have, so we usually go for the easier loss: contact lenses.  During summer, my glasses almost have to be abandoned. You can’t wear sunglasses with glasses on. Well you can, but you’ll look like a doofus. And transition lenses should be burnt at the stake as being a terrible idea because they always get stuck on that half-way transition level where your lenses are kinda tinted, but not completely. Creepfest.

But in Fall, it’s glasses’ time to shine.  They prosper in the Fall.  I don’t have to soak up sun and worry about blindness in the Fall.  Wearing my thick-rimmed glasses like a champ and loving every minute of it.

Not Having to Shave My Legs —  Men, get over it.  When women say how much they loooooove Fall and pumpkin spice lattes and Ugg boot-legging-sweater weather and apple picking, they are really thanking their lucky stars that their razors can go through hibernation until April.  because shaving in the summer sucks.

When a woman takes a shower and has to shave, you would not believe what kind of pretzel-like contortionist we transform into.  All done without falling on our asses or cutting the crap out of our knees, ankles, etc.  But with Fall, we have options.  We have tights.  We have leggings (yes, the true reason why we love them).  We have jeans.  And, we can go the lazy way and only shave our shins.



You tell ’em Linda.  You tell ’em.

Fall 2014 arrives September 22.  Prepare yourselves.  Live it.  Love it.

AND DON’T FORGET: FALL MEANS MEN IN FLANNEL


The Rabbit Hole Known as Fall.

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Hands down, Fall is the best season in the entire world.  It is the perfect season.  Fall can do no wrong.  Give me one reason you hate Fall–if you can–and I will give you ten reasons why you have no soul.

I am someone who hates extremes.  Which makes winter and summer the worst (and undeserving to be proper nouns).  Now, yes, winter has Christmas, and hot chocolate, and that creepy brother-and-sister Folger’s commercial, but it is just. So. Fucking. Cold.  Case and point: Taking a shower.  Taking a scalding-hot shower in the winter is probably the closest thing man will ever get to seeing baby unicorns frolicking in cotton-candy fields.  But then the unthinkable happens: you have to get out.  And getting out of a hot shower in the dead of winter is equivalent to being forced to watch the Red Wedding scene from Game of Thrones once every hour on the hour.  I know all you Winter Wonderland enthusiasts are all like, “Why don’t you just turn the heat on, Allex?”  Because I grew up with Juan Hernandez as a father, that’s why.  And my father strongly believes that if you buy a man a fish, he eats for a day.  But if you teach a man to use a blanket , he will always be warm and not need to turn on the heat–unless it is below zero.  Then you can bet your frozen ass the heat is going on.  Now that I think about it, that saying really doesn’t make any sense…

But anyway, this philosophy of his extended into summer and the use of air conditioning.  We don’t need no stinking air conditioning unless it’s above 95 degrees out.  Countless nights I would creep out of my boiling bedroom with sticky air and sleep downstairs in our den because it was below-ground.  Meaning natural air conditioning.  And also, waking up in a halo of your own sweat is just disgusting. When you are so hot that watching your favorite TV show is making you dehydrated, you need to shut it down.  SHUT IT DOWN, SUMMER!  SHUT IT DOWN!  Really, the only good thing about summer is… well, nothing.  Since I am done with college, or any schooling for that matter, summer has officially  lost its luster.  There is no summer vacation.  Sure you can go on vacation, but come on.  What really happens is that you are stuck at home scanning your Facebook news feed and seeing nothing but pictures of your friends’ hot dog legs at the beach/park/Parthenon/moon/whatever makes your summer feel unsatisfying.  Plus, dear god, summer is when the worst pop songs come out.

But with Fall, everything is perfect.  The air is brisk and there is a slight chill.  It’s not cold enough  to need a full-on winter coat, but just so that you can wrap yourself in a sweater and be fine.  Spring is aaaaaalmost at Fall-Level-Awesome, but it has that faltering chance of still being a bit too hot.  Skirts are fun in spring, but they are amazing in Fall.  Because with skirts in Fall, you also get tights. And wool socks.  And boots.  And scarves.  Now, I know that the few male readers I have will feel left out–unless you too enjoy a well accessorized skirt–but guys, you all got a lot going for you too.  What do you have?  The most magical combination of clothing for any man: cords and flannel.  Oh sweet Demeter and Persephone, thank you for men in cords and flannel.  Fall is basically the time for L.L. Bean catalogs to come to life.  And I am totally okay with that.

*Hello there, handsome.*

Fall is also when The Best Holidays Ever happen.  Halloween and Thanks-motherfucking-giving.  Halloween is probably my favorite holiday in the entire world.  It’s better than Christmas.  Better than my birthday.  Definitely better than yours.  When I was in eighth grade and living in Connecticut–don’t get me started on Fall-time Connecticut and the foliage–our class went to Salem, Massachusetts on October 31.  That’s right, I was in MOTHERFUCKING Salem for MOTHERFUCKING Halloween.  If Billy Madison was right about peeing your pants making you cool, then I was the coolest chick in all of Massachusetts that day; that’s how excited I was.  Never in my entire life had I enjoyed a field trip more than that day.  I saw, and talked to, real witches.  Black cats were everywhere.  History was everywhere.  We went to old churches where The Crucible was based and graveyards where the young girls accused of witchcraft were buried.  It was just–even writing about it now is making me so excited and wanting to go back.

Plus, movies like Hocus Pocus, Casper, The Addams Family, and The Nightmare Before Christmas are played on loop, giving you the excuse to still drool over Thackery Binx and Max Dennison.  And just the whole scary-story vibe that trickles all throughout October is nothing more than amazing.


*Admit it. You loved them.*

I have many fond memories of my family going to Jones Family Farm in the Fall with our wagon to fill with pumpkins.  There were farm animals, hayrides, corn mazes, fall flowers, and fresh apples.  But most importantly, there was the pumpkin carry.  The basic idea of the pumpkin carry was quite simple:  make Dad carry a shit-ton of pumpkins and walk twelve feet.  Whatever he was carrying when crossing the “finish line” was half price.  So we would load his pockets with tiny squash, tie his windbreaker to his waist–so if any got loose, they wouldn’t fall–and cheer him on.  It was such a silly concept, but it was the best part of the pumpkin patch.  I haven’t even begun to talk about the trick-or-treating and free candy and caramel apples, but seriously.  If I did, this blog post would never end.

Although Thanksgiving is really only an American holiday that celebrates the impending death of the Native Americans with our powerful malaria blankets–see? sometimes just turning on the heat SAVES LIVES!–its heart is in the right place.  Before the killer blankets, but after that dick Christopher Columbus, the Pilgrims needed help to survive and the natives taught them how to harvest crops.  The pilgrims were cool guys.  Not only were they super needy, always bugging the natives for help, but they then THANKED them afterwards.  Now this might be just an after-school special on the loveliness of getting together and giving thanks, but it’s important to do.  And that’s what Thanksgiving is about.  Giving thanks for what you have–even though in a few weeks time you will be giving a list asking for the things you don’t have to a guy who checks to see if you’re naughty or nice.  And sweet baby turkeys, let’s not forget the food.  The food is just the icing on the cake of why Thanksgiving is another reason Fall is the best.  I could write about the insanity of an Italian Thanksgiving, but I aint got time for that.

The moral of the story is this: Fall is the best season and you need to accept it.